Anonymous CarePartner Story

This CarePartner Has a Message for TIHAN Donors, Volunteers & Staff

“Please tell them thank you.” He repeated this several times to me. “Please tell them thank you from me.” I promised him I would.

He’s one of our CarePartners living with HIV, and he shared his story with me, but said he isn’t ready for us to use his name or photo. “That’s OK,” I told him. “Our donors and volunteers understand there’s still stigma related to HIV, and we know that it’s just too risky for some people”

He shared with me story after story about how you have impacted his life, helped him when no one else would. When he was getting sober. When he did his best to deal with depression. When he has trouble getting through the month’s expenses. When he and his husband decided they couldn’t move to be with family because of the threat of gaybashing. When he seeks out resources and classes to improve his life. When you donate prizes for bingo, one of his favorite distractions. Last Christmas when there were no gifts in the household. These are some of the stories he shared with me about when you helped him.

He told me, “Some people don’ t have the time to care.” That’s an interesting perspective, I thought. But then he told me story after story about those of you who do make the time to care, who do volunteer, who do donate, and how you have impacted him. “Please tell them thank you,” he pleaded. So please accept this gratitude from someone whose life you make better.

His story is below and I hope you take a minute to read it.

Scott Blades
Executive Director, TIHAN

He tested positive at age 31, 28 years ago. He was living in Phoenix, but moved to Tucson because he was told we have better support systems here. He got connected to SAAF, and his case manager referred him to TIHAN. He was living in one of SAAF’s housing units. “Everyone in my complex was talking about Poz Cafe, so I had to check it out.” He loved it and became a regular attendee. The food was great, he said, but what really helped him was the social component. “I’ve met so many friends through Poz Cafe,” he said, taking a pause and then talking about how he had lost his original support network.

“After I got diagnosed with HIV, too many of my friends were dying. I got depressed – they told me clinically depressed. I found drugs, and lost my job and everything. I took a wrong turn. I lost connections with so many family and friends because of that drug use. Someone- it might have been someone at TIHAN- made me wake up and see what the drugs were doing to me, and that I needed help. I put myself into counseling, and cleaned up from the drugs. Counseling helped me turn around.”

The social component of our monthly Poz Cafe lunches really helped him build back his network of friends.

His previous drug use, though, still impacts him. “It’s hard for me to concentrate. My memory is really, really bad. You’ll notice that I talk really fast, and it’s because I’m afraid I might forget what I was going to say.”

His viral load, the amount of virus in his blood, is undetectable, and has been since he started the HIV medication Biktarvy.

He’s still HIV positive, but it’s controlled. The depression, though, remains. “Sometimes it goes away, but then sometimes it comes back.”

He is on disability, and his check is $1 ,300/month. He met his husband seven years ago, and they were married in June 2020. His husband, who is also living with HIV, does work, but was laid off last year due to Covid cutbacks. Things were tough. “My parents live in the Midwest. My mom wanted us to move there, but we can’ t. We would get beaten up for being gay.”

So they remained here in Tucson. “We were afraid we were going to be homeless. We don’t like to ask for help, but we had to. But then we had a really bad experience asking for help with an agency. Once we told the case worker that we are gay and married, she stopped being helpful. It was so hurtful. We wanted to file a complaint, but weren’t sure how, and thought maybe it would make things worse.” Fortunately, other groups did help, including some resources that they found after contacting the 2-1-1 help line system. TIHAN was one of the agencies that have been so helpful.

“Since I can’t work and am on a limited budget due to disability, the CarePackages help so much. Especially the shampoo, deodorant, toilet paper- you have no idea how much that helps.” He also raved about the $25 card for Fry’s. “We ran out of food about this time last month, right before Poz Cafe. We had spent our food stamps, and didn’t have milk for cereal. So that $25 gift card- one for each of us- helped a lot. That helps with the little things that you don’t even think about: milk, mustard, catsup, pickles, mayo, band-aids even. I can’t even tell you how helpful that has been. I hope you can keep doing it.”

He shared about the Living Well classes, and how helpful they have been. His favorite was the Eating Well class, and he talked about the handwashing exercise where they used a black light to see how a simple handwash doesn’t really clean as well as you think. The Planning Well class was especially impactful to him. “It taught me about writing a budget, and I still do that. I am working on getting my credit back, too. That class really helped me a lot. Now, we look out for sales, and use coupons.”

He shared with me a story about last December. “It was Christmas, and we couldn’t afford anything. So your holiday gift was our Christmas. I got a toaster, and I was thrilled. We both were. And my husband got a new coffee maker. He drinks coffee every day, so that was perfect. I know it’s a lot of hard work for you guys to get all those gifts for everyone just want you to know how important that is to me.”

But it’s talking about Poz Cafe that really gets him animated. “I love the balanced meals- sometimes that is the only balanced meal I get. When I’m depressed, I don ‘t want to cook.” The annual fried chicken menu is his absolute all-time favorite. “And I love the bingo! I rush home with-the-meal we-pick up and sit down, eat the Poz Cafe meal, and play bingo. The prizes are great- this month I won a doggie pool and doggie treats- they love it.”

He really wants to get back to Poz Cafe in person rather than remote, but feels it’s too soon. He’s comfortable waiting. They’re both vaccinated, but they both got very sick several months ago, but are not sure if it was Covid (because they tested negative).

“Bingo is one of my highlights every month. It’s just fun and exciting for me. No, it’s not the same as in person bingo, where I met so many people – that was awesome.”

He says he doesn’t know if he would be here without TIHAN. “When I really needed you- I had no one and nothing, dumped by everyone- TIHAN was there. And now today too. It’s the little things you do that really help us get through. I know it’s a lot of work and hard work, and I wish I could help, but I can’t, but I want you to know how important your help is to me. I’m glad I’m still alive today.” And he adds excitedly, “My husband is just getting ready to start a new job.”

He ended the conversation with gratitude. “Some people don’t have the time to care. But others are understanding and they really take the time to care. I want to thank the people who give. The people that can give and help and volunteer- I love them. They give their time and love. That’s shown by what I have received. Please tell them thank you.“

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