George’s Story

George’s Journey with HIV

It was November of 1995, and he wasn’t feeling well. He’d been losing weight and was concerned about his health, so he went to see a doctor. The doctor wanted to do an HIV test, and George agreed.

When the doctor called him in for an appointment a couple of weeks later, George wasn’t prepared for the news he received:  he had HIV. “I was shocked,” he remembers. “I knew very little about HIV and wasn’t sure what it meant and what would happen to me.”

What came next for George was an exploration of his past, and some difficult conversations with his teenage children and other family members.

“Even though I had come out as gay 10 years earlier, I wasn’t too worried about getting HIV, to be honest. I had thought, ‘If I get it, fine—it’s God’s will.’ I wasn’t really protecting myself. I wasn’t using condoms. I wasn’t taking responsibility. I realized eventually, though, that it wasn’t ‘God’s will’ like I was pretending it was. Now I realize it was MY will. It was me not taking care of myself.”

George’s introspection was accompanied by some difficult conversations and re-visiting some trauma. Years before, in 1985, George had divorced his wife and came out as a gay man. George’s mother, who had been his main support system, refused to talk to him for the next eight months. It was so traumatic for George to lose her that he relented and lied to his mother, telling her that he had made a mistake and wasn’t really attracted to men anymore. “I hated lying to her,” George recalls, “but it was the only way to restore my relationship with her. She was my Mother and I couldn’t stand to lose her.”

Less than three years later, George’s mom had a heart attack and died. “As sad as I was,” George says, “it was also a relief that I didn’t have to worry about lying to her anymore.” Did she really believe that George had “changed” and was no longer gay?  George isn’t sure. Perhaps she knew he was lying about his sexual orientation. Regardless, it allowed her to re-establish that very strong connection they had.

George isn’t sure what the connection is between being shamed and lying about his sexuality—in order to have a relationship with his mom, and his not taking precautions and having unprotected sex—which eventually led to him getting HIV. But he does know how hard it was to face the news. “I took it very hard. I thought I was going to die,” he says. “I just kept wondering about what was going to happen to my kids, my life. And I kept asking myself why. Why me, God? But then I realized it wasn’t God’s fault. And I began wondering, Why me? Why didn’t I protect myself?”

He told his kids, and his kids told his ex-wife, and George received love and support from all of them. He told his siblings, and four of the five were supportive of him. He told some friends, and he lost some “friendships” with uninformed people who were afraid they might get HIV from being around him.

George has had ample experience making it through tough times. He survived an abusive childhood. He survived the shame he had felt about his sexual orientation. He survived 15 years in the Army, including coming out but staying closeted during the years of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military. He survived losing 80% of his hearing while doing his job in the Army and having to take disability. He survived a divorce. And he would soon survive rejection from people he was interested in but who would not date him after he disclosed his HIV status.

However, supportive family members educated themselves about the disease and helped him through this new part of his life. “My CD4 counts were high, and that gave them confidence that I was going to be okay.” He saw Dr. Kevin Carmichael at El Rio’s Special Immunology Associates, and ultimately was referred to the HIV clinic at the VA Medical Center in Tucson.

Eventually, George started taking HIV medications, which suppressed his viral load to the “undetectable” level—meaning that HIV was still present in his body, but at a very, very low level. George has stayed as healthy as possible, taking advantage of new, more effective HIV medications as they became available. His health remained strong, but the stigma of HIV kept him lonely at times. Until …

In 1999, George met David. “As we struck up a conversation—it was May 18, my mom’s birthday—it came out that we were both HIV-positive,” he remembers. “I told him, ‘I don’t know how long we have, but I don’t want to die by myself.’ I knew immediately that we would be married someday.

“The next year, when we decided it was time to move in together, the pastor at our church—Cornerstone Fellowship—told us we couldn’t do that until we had committed our lives to each other through a holy union ceremony [since marriage between two men wasn’t legal at that time]. So, we had our holy union ceremony and moved in together.”

A few years later, David adopted a relative’s newborn child who had been born prematurely—3 pounds, 2 ounces at birth. The baby’s parents were unable to care for her, so David and George began co-parenting little Mariana. When marriage equality finally became legal in the United States, George and David married, and soon thereafter George legally co-adopted Mariana.

Tragically, David had a heart attack right before Christmas in 2016. Heartbroken, at the age of 62, George was suddenly a single dad of a 7-year old. “My main concern now is taking care of my daughter and making sure she will be taken care of if something ever happens to me,” George says. “I’m trying to outlive HIV. I want to live as long as I can and watch my daughter grow up into a happy adult.”

George’s HIV is well controlled, but his other underlying health conditions put him at greater risk of severe complications if he contracts COVID-19. “I’m afraid to catch it,” he shares. “I had a scare when two family members tested positive for COVID. I’d had some exposure to them, so we quarantined ourselves.” After getting a negative test, they’ve been isolating as much as possible. The exception is that his daughter gets to occasionally safely visit with her “Grandmas,” with whom she loves spending time.

George and his daughter were recently featured in the New York Times Magazine’s cover story, “America at Hunger’s Edge.” Living on a fixed income has been a challenge, especially having enough food when times are tough. He says, “I participated in that article on hunger because it can help people better understand what it’s like to live being hungry at times, which I experienced as a kid and again recently too.” George recalls wanting to get help from the local food bank but feeling ashamed. “I was afraid I wouldn’t qualify and didn’t want to be embarrassed. I was scared. When I went and they told me I qualified, it was a big relief to me.”

TIHAN, he says, has helped a lot too. “Especially with the $50 food cards you’ve been providing during COVID,” he relates, noting that he was able to buy meat and that he was cooking barbacoa for dinner as we spoke. “I’m on a budget now. If I’m shopping and I see something I want for us but can’t afford, or if I run out of money, I still have that $50 food card from TIHAN I can use. And it gives me points for gas too. I love to save money!”

George connected with TIHAN in January 2017. “I got involved with TIHAN after David died,” he recounts. “I didn’t know anyone else who was positive until I started going to Poz Café, and I met others there like me. I had shut myself down after some experiences of rejection—and fear of more rejections.

“Poz Cafe opened my eyes. It makes me feel comfortable with myself and gives me opportunities to meet others who are positive. It’s really helpful for me to talk to others who are going through similar things. HIV can make me feel lonely and depressed sometimes. So, when I go to Poz Café and can be around people who are laughing and smiling and being so friendly with each other, that’s refreshing.”

George shares more words of gratitude about other support he receives from TIHAN, including CarePackages (“We seem to go through TP like crazy, so those items are a big help!”) and the holiday program we do in collaboration with SAAF that helps brighten the holidays for him and his daughter.

One of TIHAN’s Living Well with HIV classes has been especially beneficial to him. “I attended TIHAN’s budgeting class. That really helped me keep track of my expenses and get a better handle on things and plan better,” he states. “I’m on a budget now,” he proudly states.

George shares his gratitude with TIHAN’s staff, volunteers, and donors, who are “helping people who need it, helping us who are positive to make ends meet, and especially helping with food right now. You all really give us the support that we need the most.”

As we wrapped up the conversation with George, we asked him if he had a message to share with people who might not realize that HIV still exists, since it doesn’t receive much public attention these days. “Well, it’s the same message I have about COVID-19,” he says. “Protect yourself and be careful. Don’t believe that it can’t happen to you. It’s contagious, and if you don’t take precautions it could definitely happen to you too.”

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